Truthful Tuesday: Finding Supports
It is so important that people find the right supports for them. I will often use my natural support system but I have troubles telling some people my troubles and I really struggled with telling a lot of people in my natural support circle about my troubles.
This happened for two reasons, I couldn't or wouldn't identify what I felt was the problem. My marriage being in a terrible place was devastating, so many things about my marriage seeming to fall apart and me being in a constant state of unhappiness was eating away at me, I didn't want to face it and it seemed shameful that I had let my relationship get this far.
That feeling of shame is terrible to have to go through, I wasn't the only guilty party in this, and try as I might I couldn't get my husband to engage with me in a productive manner. Could I get him to get upset and angry, sure I am good at provoking him, but this is not effective.
I think the other part is, you see people on Social Media and they are GUSHING about how great their husbands are, and I am sure they are, but no one is great 100% of the time. People have faults and people get on each others nerves, this is NORMAL. But I know they say misery loves company, but I don't like making other people feel sad for me because my life is circling the drain. I struggle with this because I am very aware that other people have troubles too, and I don't want to burden them with mine.
My relationship with my husband has always been one of congenial respect. We like to hang out with each other but we both have different interests that we encourage the other to partake in. He knows and respects that I need to have girls nights out, he encourages them and supports them when he can. I know that he likes playing online video games with his buddy and we work that out so he is able to do it, as well as going fishing and stuff. I don't like those things, and he doesn't like my girls nights and that is OK. I think that is very healthy.
I have friends that do everything with their husband and will only do things with other people if their husband is around. It works for them, but I would feel completely stifled and disingenuous if I was in a relationship like that. I've been in those relationships when I was younger, you pick up all their interests and say good bye to your interests and you pick up all their friends as your friends and ignore your own friends because your partner didn't really get along with them. And then there's the break up and you are left with nothing and not really knowing who you are, because for the past few years you've pretended to be everything they are so that they will like you. Well newsflash!! They liked who you were when you were your own person and when you became their shadow you were just something they had to lug around and became burdensome. At least this is my personal experience. Also I know that most of my true interests, shopping, writing, reading, talking and playing cards are not really things many men that I am attracted to are going to be interested in, and I am ok with that. I like to go fishing (sometimes), but I like to be out on the lake with a book more, or on the beach with a book while my husband goes and tries to catch supper.
So it took a long time for me to come to some of my closest friends about what was happening in my life, because it was hard. The first friends I had talked to were friends I knew who had gone through a similar experience. Once I broke that barrier it became easier and I was able to share. Another part that was hard, is my husband is a good guy, my friends like him, and sometimes I just needed to share with my friends my feelings without being "convinced" to just do xyz to get my relationship back on track. I didn't want them talking trash about my husband calling him an asshole, but I did want them to understand that even though he's a good guy, he has faults and I was struggling trying to reach him, reach us, and he was hoping to just ignore everything until it got better on it's own but it wasn't happening.
Next I used my Employee Benefit Program and requested some counselling. I was hooked up right away and started seeing a counsellor on my own. My thoughts were, if I can't get my husband to go to counselling maybe, just maybe, I can change my reactions to him to find a more productive way to accomplish our conversations. This was so helpful! I am still seeing my counsellor and having someone impartial to vent to has made a huge difference and she gives me tools, books and things to try to help improve my coping and relationship skills. She suggested we seek marriage counselling and when I told my husband that he agreed so we have started seeing a marriage counsellor. This has been a huge help!
I've also invested in more self-care. I need to take care of myself so I can be there for my children. If I am not taking care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else, it is that simple.
I suggest for anyone going through depression, utilize what you can, find those supports you need, and if you need to set up ground rules do it! Tell friends you don't want solutions, you only want to vent to them and have them say they support you no matter what. Find a good counsellor, go to the gym so you can recharge the dopamine in your brain so things don't look so bleak. Read some self help books, or listen to them on audio book. Find support groups! Do what you need to do! It's about you staying healthy, mentally strong, so that you can be there for others? And if you ever want to talk my door is open, I have a good long supply of tea and coffee or wine, and I will just listen without trying to fix it for you (which is hard for me sometimes because I am a fixer).
So thanks for reading, it's been awhile where it's been very bleak, but I am starting to see the light!
This happened for two reasons, I couldn't or wouldn't identify what I felt was the problem. My marriage being in a terrible place was devastating, so many things about my marriage seeming to fall apart and me being in a constant state of unhappiness was eating away at me, I didn't want to face it and it seemed shameful that I had let my relationship get this far.
That feeling of shame is terrible to have to go through, I wasn't the only guilty party in this, and try as I might I couldn't get my husband to engage with me in a productive manner. Could I get him to get upset and angry, sure I am good at provoking him, but this is not effective.
I think the other part is, you see people on Social Media and they are GUSHING about how great their husbands are, and I am sure they are, but no one is great 100% of the time. People have faults and people get on each others nerves, this is NORMAL. But I know they say misery loves company, but I don't like making other people feel sad for me because my life is circling the drain. I struggle with this because I am very aware that other people have troubles too, and I don't want to burden them with mine.
My relationship with my husband has always been one of congenial respect. We like to hang out with each other but we both have different interests that we encourage the other to partake in. He knows and respects that I need to have girls nights out, he encourages them and supports them when he can. I know that he likes playing online video games with his buddy and we work that out so he is able to do it, as well as going fishing and stuff. I don't like those things, and he doesn't like my girls nights and that is OK. I think that is very healthy.
I have friends that do everything with their husband and will only do things with other people if their husband is around. It works for them, but I would feel completely stifled and disingenuous if I was in a relationship like that. I've been in those relationships when I was younger, you pick up all their interests and say good bye to your interests and you pick up all their friends as your friends and ignore your own friends because your partner didn't really get along with them. And then there's the break up and you are left with nothing and not really knowing who you are, because for the past few years you've pretended to be everything they are so that they will like you. Well newsflash!! They liked who you were when you were your own person and when you became their shadow you were just something they had to lug around and became burdensome. At least this is my personal experience. Also I know that most of my true interests, shopping, writing, reading, talking and playing cards are not really things many men that I am attracted to are going to be interested in, and I am ok with that. I like to go fishing (sometimes), but I like to be out on the lake with a book more, or on the beach with a book while my husband goes and tries to catch supper.
So it took a long time for me to come to some of my closest friends about what was happening in my life, because it was hard. The first friends I had talked to were friends I knew who had gone through a similar experience. Once I broke that barrier it became easier and I was able to share. Another part that was hard, is my husband is a good guy, my friends like him, and sometimes I just needed to share with my friends my feelings without being "convinced" to just do xyz to get my relationship back on track. I didn't want them talking trash about my husband calling him an asshole, but I did want them to understand that even though he's a good guy, he has faults and I was struggling trying to reach him, reach us, and he was hoping to just ignore everything until it got better on it's own but it wasn't happening.
Next I used my Employee Benefit Program and requested some counselling. I was hooked up right away and started seeing a counsellor on my own. My thoughts were, if I can't get my husband to go to counselling maybe, just maybe, I can change my reactions to him to find a more productive way to accomplish our conversations. This was so helpful! I am still seeing my counsellor and having someone impartial to vent to has made a huge difference and she gives me tools, books and things to try to help improve my coping and relationship skills. She suggested we seek marriage counselling and when I told my husband that he agreed so we have started seeing a marriage counsellor. This has been a huge help!
I've also invested in more self-care. I need to take care of myself so I can be there for my children. If I am not taking care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else, it is that simple.
I suggest for anyone going through depression, utilize what you can, find those supports you need, and if you need to set up ground rules do it! Tell friends you don't want solutions, you only want to vent to them and have them say they support you no matter what. Find a good counsellor, go to the gym so you can recharge the dopamine in your brain so things don't look so bleak. Read some self help books, or listen to them on audio book. Find support groups! Do what you need to do! It's about you staying healthy, mentally strong, so that you can be there for others? And if you ever want to talk my door is open, I have a good long supply of tea and coffee or wine, and I will just listen without trying to fix it for you (which is hard for me sometimes because I am a fixer).
So thanks for reading, it's been awhile where it's been very bleak, but I am starting to see the light!
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